my toes: an issue of national security

so i have a huge secret to tell everyone: i have big toes.

not that you could have noticed anyway. it's not like i wear sandals all the time so you can see this fingers that are attached to my feet. but anyway, my toes are a part of who i am and what makes me unique. i don't really know of anyone else with toes like mine. they're like an extra set of hands and could be really helpful in the future if i ever lose any of my arms (knock on wood).

i don't really have a problem with my toes. never have. i actually like them a lot. but other people do. whenever i wear sandals, which is often, they're an eyesore for some people. its been that way since high school. people have always commented on my toes as if they're some freakish attribute that should qualify me to travel as a freakshow. i would show you a picture, but as i looked for one from high school, i realized how much of a loser i was. regardless of a picture, the toes were always a conversation piece and even earned me the nickname of "toes."

i didn't really mind the people always asked about them, but people usually acted really dumb about it. for example, this conversation would be typical of ones that i would have about my toes

person: whoa dude you have really big toes
me: yeah, i do
person: they're like fingers man!
me: yeah, definitely man
person: so can you pick stuff up with them?
me: um...sometimes
person: hey ______, come over here and look at this kid's toes
person 2: oh my god, they're so long
me: well thank you douchebag*
person 2: you should really wear shoes
me: ok cuntface, hey maybe you should maybe you can stick your face in a box and deliver it.*
person: dude, that was so gross

* - not really said, but looking back, that would have been really cool if i actually said that.

anyway, the point i'm aimlessly trying to get to is that the subject of my toes came up again this week. i was playing loaded questions with some friends and there's this one girl in particular who's dumber than a bag of rocks. honestly, terri schiavo would be smarter than her, if she were still alive. the girl had dropped her pencil on the floor, reached down to pick up and proceeded to stare at my feet and scream, "OH MY FUCKING GOD, ARE THOSE YOUR FUCKING FEET?" of course, others have to stop and stare at my feet, finger-shaped toes and all.

and then, the flurry of questions began. questions about why they look like fingers, can you actually pick up shit with them, and even fingering someone with your toes were actually asked. it just reminded my of the terrible days of high school all over again. like are you fucking serious? are we all still 16 years old? give me a fucking break. i swear to god i was going to break everyone's face with my toes just to prove the fact that "yes they exist and yes i will fuck you up with them."

people are stupid. they should never ask obvious questions. and thus because of the girl, loaded questions ended and thus, the night was subsequently over. thanks stupid girl, because now i feel like i want to be 16 again. yay.