Friday, January 4, 2008

life list

for my new year's resolution, i have decided to create a life list. more to come.

Monday, December 31, 2007

obligatory year in review post

everyone has these kinds of posts. end of the year. what did i do? what did i not do? how did i become a better person? it eventually goes to the point where you question your existence and whether the year was worthwhile to your purpose of living. luckily, for my audience consisting of two people who randomly stumbled across this post or the six of you who are trying to dig up some dirt on my life as if this was still high school, i don't think that deeply. yeah, i will recall some of the things i did during the year, but it's not going to be very philosophical. straight, and to the point. (that's what she said...haha). if you don't want to read this whole, drawn-out post about my year. i'll give it to you in two words: it sucked.

2007 was not the greatest year for me. it wasn't the worst (close third to 2000, 2005, and maybe 2002), but it certainly was not the best. 2007 was all about change. one year ago, i had a steady girlfriend whom i loved, a shitty car, and i could still claim purity of some sort. now, as i write today, i have an ex-girlfriend who can go fuck herself, a nice new car, and a first-class ticket to hell. my what a year can do you.

but i vow that 2008 will be a much better year. it has to be since 2007 could not have gotten much worse with personal and family issues. i've come to the realization that my life is beginning to waste itself away and that if i do not take control with what i want to do, it will slip away and be forever gone. so my new year's resolution is this: in addition to exercising more and being a better person, i want to do things that are memorable. this should be the time of my life folks. i need the motivation to get out and do shit with my life before i'm confined to an office for the rest of my life.

and with that being said, hopefully 2008 will be filled with exciting adventures and unforgettable moments.


congratulations redskins. you did it. you managed to yet again run the table and get into the playoffs. job well done considering the circumstances. despite everything, you held your head high and withstood adversity when it swamped this team. you guys had a perfectly good excuse to go ahead and lie down, and everyone would have been fine with that. but look at you now. 9-7 and a playoff berth.

never would have dreamed of it.

but how the hell does a team lose a game 52-7, calls two timeouts in a row, loses six of their key starters, and yet manage to make the playoffs? apparently, every other team in the NFC is really bad or felt sorry for the redskins. i highly doubt the latter could ever be conceivable, but you never know.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

open letter to the washington redskins

dearest redskins,

here we are. it's the day after christmas and we're talking playoffs. this doesn't happen every year. in fact, the words "redskins" and "playoffs" don't usually make sense in december. rather we've grown accustomed to the words "quarterback change" and "building for the future." but no, redskins, you've surprised us all, even your most diehard fans. and through all the trials and tribulations of the season, we're sitting pretty right now with the sixth seed.

redskins, you guys remind me of hooking up with a drunk slut*. it's like as if you see a hot girl at the party. you are compelled to talk to her because of her sexiness coupled with the fact that she's staring you down and has got her eye on you. you begin to talk to her and things go well. next thing you know, you're hooking up with the chick. and it's like "oh my god, i'm hooking up with a hot chick. go me!" but as soon as you finish and you wake up the next morning, you realize that the hot chick isn't as attractive as you thought and she doesn't even remember your name. you think it's all over but then at the next party, you see her again, and to be frank, you simply rinsed and repeated. and again, you wake up and say, "why the fuck did i sleep with her again?!?!" but this time she tells you she has an std and you're left to contemplate your existence on this earth.

don't deny it, redskins, you're exactly like that. you teased us all with that 2-0 start. we had some great feelings. but then you inexplicably called two goalline runs at the end of the giants game which helped us lose. you then beat the shit out the lions, and although they may be the lions, whipping a team 34-3 feels pretty good. and then the roof fucking falls in when you lose to the patriots by 45, you need a field goal in overtime to be a team that's currently 3-12, and you throw interceptions on pivotal drives to lose two games. when you think it can't get much worse, your star safety dies, you call two timeouts in a row, and lose the starting quarterback with a gruesome knee injury. it might only seem like football, but this was your std moment, and if you were a real person, redskins, you would have slit your wrists before thanksgiving.

however, something changed. the redskins decided to stop hooking up with skanks and get with a steady girl (todd collins) instead. and it's been wonderful for those four short weeks. things have been great, but you need to decide whether this is a fling or if you should take it to the next level. she's a great girl and all, but there is a reason behind why her greatest feature is the fact that she is caring and compassionate.

so here's the deal skins, you've got the cowboys this week. win and you're in. lose and pray to god minnesota and new orleans lose as well. are you ready to take that next step with todd collins? because todd collins is and he's ready to give the world and so much more to you. the ball's in your court redskins. don't fuck this up.

chief zee will straight up murder your ass if you mess this up, skins.


the entire washington dc metro area

* - entirely fictional.

thanks to the washington times and drunk university for their pics

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

happy holidays

merry christmas to the five readers out there. hope its a good one.

if i need to write something poignant, then it will be up here. otherwise, enjoy the holidays.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

POWER rankings: volume 1

RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! in a way to spice up this site, i've decided to create some power rankings that chronicles the happenings in my life not mentioned on this blog into a weekly/monthly/yearly power rankings mumbojumbo. these are based on what's important in my life and i do not care what you think, your views are surely petty and worthless.

1) CHRISTMAS. last week: 10 change: +9

i fucking hate christmas but its the biggest thing happening this week. everyone's going around like fucking maniacs getting presents and other aesthetically pleasing things for the families and loved ones. don't get me wrong here. i love christmas. it's my favorite holiday by far. however, christmas is like alcohol. it makes you do things you soon regret. for example, i had to go to a fabric store today whose name i will not give out (michael's) to get fabric for this present. i looked like a lost boy trying to find fabric, only to be told that fabric is not sold there. thanks dumb bitch, i now know that after i've wandered aimlessly in your store for an hour.

2) SLEEPING IN. last week: 89 change: +87

i get to sleep in during winter break. i absolutely love it.

3) FINDING A JOB. last week: 6 change: +3

i have to find a job/internship for this summer. now that i'm home, the scrutiny intensifies and the pressure mounts from the parents go get one. i'm starting to send my resume out to sports teams and organizations i want to work for. so we'll see how that goes. as long as i don't coach kids, serve food, be someone's bitch, or work on cars, i'll be happy.

4) PICKUP BASKETBALL. last week: NR change: through the roof

i'm starting to play basketball again with my friends once again. i played a lot over the summer, honed my street skills, and now i lost them in the process of flag football. expect this one to stay up there for awhile, because i have a feeling i'll be doing a lot it over break. (that's what she said)

5) CHEESECAKE FACTORY. last week: 171 change: +166

i went to the cheesecake factory for dinner this week and it was fucking delicious. it was so good. if you have never been to the cheesecake, then i suggest you get yourself to one as soon as possible. if you're reading this in place as crappy as south carolina, well then it sucks for you. definitely go. they have great food. but make sure to take a friend who won't ask you about your personal life.


7) THE HUMPTY DANCE last week: 45
9) METRO last week: 68
10) HOCKEY last week: didn't exist



hockey does exist!

out of sheer boredom from being home for winter break, i went to a washington capitals game the other night. not the washington wizards, the best basketball in all the land, but the fucking washington capitals, the local hockey team. (apparently, hockey still exists, and i wasn't aware of it) but kidding and jokes aside, i went to go see the caps play against the montreal canadiens. going into the game, i learned quite a few things about hockey that are true and some things that are not:

1) hockey apparently survived into the 21st century. damnit. fuck. cock. balls. that wasn't supposed to happen.
2) more than 12 people show up to games. there were about 13,000 out of 20,000 at the phone booth that night. not too shabby.
3) the citizens of canada are not the only players of hockey. other countries play it too and they enjoy it just as much. suck it frozen ponds of manitoba.
4) the capitals have more than two players. before that night, all i knew were ovechkin and some black dude who doesn't look like he belongs. now the capitals have a full team except that no cares.
5) the capitals are better off the ice and than on. the fucking caps lost 5-2 to montreal but the day before managed to tear shit up on segways as shown below: (thanks to dc sports bog and steinzzz)

6) hockey isn't that bad. perhaps i'll go to another game in the near future.

Thursday, December 20, 2007


another semester. another 4.0.

still got it. so clutch.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

i fucking hate fantasy football

fantasy football is finally over. thank god. i was eliminated last night with a painful loss to the most inconsistent team in my league. his team fucking blows and he ended up catching me on one of my bad weeks. i'm not that mad about it, i didn't expect to go this far with my team, but this is the second year in a row where i fall flat on my face in the playoffs. it's total bullshit. and yet again, i lost to an inferior team that will get their shit rocked in the championship. but all i have to say is thank god this season is over.

this is probably the worst season i've ever had. my team, rhymes with shmashmortion, was doomed from the start. i fucked up the draft, i nearly fucked up a significant trade in the preseason when i opened my big mouth, i cruised to a 5-2 start thanks in part to ronnie brown, and then was fucked by injuries. speaking of injuries, i had the worst injuries, i lost all three of my running backs during the season, which forced me to become incredibly desperate for backs. i stupidly traded away some great players and if i still had them, everything would have worked out for the best. i'm usually well-renowned for ripping people off in trades, as i did last year and in the first part of this year. but in the latter part of the season, i was getting ripped off, getting pieces of shit in some deals.

next thing i know, i started freaking out over injuries, and i find myself at5-4, on the outside looking in, when i willed myself to win against the best team in the league. and then i guaranteed a win against a 3 win team and proceeded to get rocked. at 6-5 and not in a great position to get a playoff spot, i won the last two games to get the division crown yet again and get that bye i needed in the playoffs. but of course, it never works out because i lost again. next year, i'm going to be fucking smart about the fantasy shit. i'm going all the way.

but now since fantasy has ended, i can finally enjoy football games. no longer, will i have to obsess about statistics of marginal players. i don't have to scream every time the ball is in the air. i don't have to talk smack to a team that does not care about their individual performance on the field. now i'll have something else to do during sundays, instead of watching every game because i have a wide reciever on my fantasy team playing in the game.

so i'd like to say thanks to the following players for actually performing on my team:

- ben roethlisberger until i traded you
- derek anderson
- ronnie brown for the first seven games of the season
- frank gore for that 40-point week
- kevin curtis for that 60-point week and being my favorite player this year
- bernard berrian for catching deep bombs
- roddy white
- jacksonville jaguars defense

and i'd like to give big FUCK YOU'S to the following players for ruining my season:

- carson palmer - fuck you for being a shitty second round pick
- larry johnson - fuck you for being a complete fucktard
- kolby smith - fuck you for blowing up when i benched you
- fred taylor - fuck you for letting me trade you for the sex cannon
- ronnie brown - fuck you for getting injured.
- roy williams - fuck you for being useless. and i thought you were good.
- dallas clark - fuck you for being a big fat pussy.
- roddy white - fuck you for fumbling balls, dropping passes, and showing support for mike vick.
- lee evans - fuck you for making me trade you

but most of all,


as for losing, give me a couple of weeks to get over it. i wanted that fantasy championship so badly. maybe next year is the year, like it always is.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

my toes: an issue of national security

so i have a huge secret to tell everyone: i have big toes.

not that you could have noticed anyway. it's not like i wear sandals all the time so you can see this fingers that are attached to my feet. but anyway, my toes are a part of who i am and what makes me unique. i don't really know of anyone else with toes like mine. they're like an extra set of hands and could be really helpful in the future if i ever lose any of my arms (knock on wood).

i don't really have a problem with my toes. never have. i actually like them a lot. but other people do. whenever i wear sandals, which is often, they're an eyesore for some people. its been that way since high school. people have always commented on my toes as if they're some freakish attribute that should qualify me to travel as a freakshow. i would show you a picture, but as i looked for one from high school, i realized how much of a loser i was. regardless of a picture, the toes were always a conversation piece and even earned me the nickname of "toes."

i didn't really mind the people always asked about them, but people usually acted really dumb about it. for example, this conversation would be typical of ones that i would have about my toes

person: whoa dude you have really big toes
me: yeah, i do
person: they're like fingers man!
me: yeah, definitely man
person: so can you pick stuff up with them?
me: um...sometimes
person: hey ______, come over here and look at this kid's toes
person 2: oh my god, they're so long
me: well thank you douchebag*
person 2: you should really wear shoes
me: ok cuntface, hey maybe you should maybe you can stick your face in a box and deliver it.*
person: dude, that was so gross

* - not really said, but looking back, that would have been really cool if i actually said that.

anyway, the point i'm aimlessly trying to get to is that the subject of my toes came up again this week. i was playing loaded questions with some friends and there's this one girl in particular who's dumber than a bag of rocks. honestly, terri schiavo would be smarter than her, if she were still alive. the girl had dropped her pencil on the floor, reached down to pick up and proceeded to stare at my feet and scream, "OH MY FUCKING GOD, ARE THOSE YOUR FUCKING FEET?" of course, others have to stop and stare at my feet, finger-shaped toes and all.

and then, the flurry of questions began. questions about why they look like fingers, can you actually pick up shit with them, and even fingering someone with your toes were actually asked. it just reminded my of the terrible days of high school all over again. like are you fucking serious? are we all still 16 years old? give me a fucking break. i swear to god i was going to break everyone's face with my toes just to prove the fact that "yes they exist and yes i will fuck you up with them."

people are stupid. they should never ask obvious questions. and thus because of the girl, loaded questions ended and thus, the night was subsequently over. thanks stupid girl, because now i feel like i want to be 16 again. yay.