Wednesday, December 26, 2007

open letter to the washington redskins

dearest redskins,

here we are. it's the day after christmas and we're talking playoffs. this doesn't happen every year. in fact, the words "redskins" and "playoffs" don't usually make sense in december. rather we've grown accustomed to the words "quarterback change" and "building for the future." but no, redskins, you've surprised us all, even your most diehard fans. and through all the trials and tribulations of the season, we're sitting pretty right now with the sixth seed.

redskins, you guys remind me of hooking up with a drunk slut*. it's like as if you see a hot girl at the party. you are compelled to talk to her because of her sexiness coupled with the fact that she's staring you down and has got her eye on you. you begin to talk to her and things go well. next thing you know, you're hooking up with the chick. and it's like "oh my god, i'm hooking up with a hot chick. go me!" but as soon as you finish and you wake up the next morning, you realize that the hot chick isn't as attractive as you thought and she doesn't even remember your name. you think it's all over but then at the next party, you see her again, and to be frank, you simply rinsed and repeated. and again, you wake up and say, "why the fuck did i sleep with her again?!?!" but this time she tells you she has an std and you're left to contemplate your existence on this earth.

don't deny it, redskins, you're exactly like that. you teased us all with that 2-0 start. we had some great feelings. but then you inexplicably called two goalline runs at the end of the giants game which helped us lose. you then beat the shit out the lions, and although they may be the lions, whipping a team 34-3 feels pretty good. and then the roof fucking falls in when you lose to the patriots by 45, you need a field goal in overtime to be a team that's currently 3-12, and you throw interceptions on pivotal drives to lose two games. when you think it can't get much worse, your star safety dies, you call two timeouts in a row, and lose the starting quarterback with a gruesome knee injury. it might only seem like football, but this was your std moment, and if you were a real person, redskins, you would have slit your wrists before thanksgiving.

however, something changed. the redskins decided to stop hooking up with skanks and get with a steady girl (todd collins) instead. and it's been wonderful for those four short weeks. things have been great, but you need to decide whether this is a fling or if you should take it to the next level. she's a great girl and all, but there is a reason behind why her greatest feature is the fact that she is caring and compassionate.

so here's the deal skins, you've got the cowboys this week. win and you're in. lose and pray to god minnesota and new orleans lose as well. are you ready to take that next step with todd collins? because todd collins is and he's ready to give the world and so much more to you. the ball's in your court redskins. don't fuck this up.

chief zee will straight up murder your ass if you mess this up, skins.


the entire washington dc metro area

* - entirely fictional.

thanks to the washington times and drunk university for their pics

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